


Unforgotten

by squiggl_ink



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Oneshot, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, tlou 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:21:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25105378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squiggl_ink/pseuds/squiggl_ink
Summary: She'd walked away twice before. Did she have it in her to do it now? And could she—should she—even dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, things would still turn out okay after all this time?[set post-canon ending of TLOU2]
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 203





	Unforgotten

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Rated M for intense emotions and depictions of PTSD, anxiety, and panic attacks. Trigger warnings for the same.If you’re here for smut, you’re in the wrong place. If you’re here for closure, I hope this oneshot gives you a quick fix.
> 
> ...
> 
> To my beautiful wife, who just would not shut up about ElliexDina until I was completely emotionally invested in them, too. I love and hate you for this, though I hope you sleep better tonight.

Unforgettable. The piercing splashes of orange washing across the dimming sky. The sound of long overgrown grass rustling in the evening winds. The whispering breath of the world around her. And the silence of everything else. 

She was… home. _Except she wasn’t._

Ellie nudged at the gate, and it gave way with a pitched creak as a wearied sigh escaped her lips. She let her feet bring her onto the Farm she once called home. 

Against the fervent sky, the farmhouse stood silent, stark, solemn. Its pale shell washed only paler by the wind and the rain, battered with the coming and going of many a season. Parts of the roof and walls had come loose, the planks swaying freely in the wind, hanging on by splinters and threatening to crash if the rouge winds dared to blow any stronger. The Farm was empty, just as it had been the last time she was here. There was not a single hint of life on it anymore. 

Her backpack slipped off her shoulder and fell to the ground with a thump, slumping against the wheel of the tractor. The tractor groaned as she heaved herself onto it. Dust rose in a puff of smoke, the scent of rust choking out air. Ellie coughed and tried to wave it away. 

The winds picked up, carrying away the smell, and bringing with it the howls and moans of the empty fields and mountains surrounding her, joining in with the cacophony of loose planks banging against the structure. And for a brief moment, it was as though they carried something more. Ellie thought she could hear the giggling of an infant and the melodies that often accompanied the household chores. She found herself smiling fondly into the distant sunset, remembering those things as though they were but yesterday. Sentiment. And then the winds died, and with it, her smile.

Three whole years.

The last time Ellie had come back had been two years ago. The house was empty then, with Dina and JJ gone, and yet somehow, remnants of life still seemed to haunt the odd corner of the house. Now, even without going in, she could tell that those hauntings too, were gone.

When she had last left the Farm, Ellie had honestly thought of heading to Jackson. In fact, she did head there. After all, it made perfect sense for Dina to have returned, knowing Robin and his wife would be welcoming, waiting for her and JJ with open arms. There would be a community ready to take her in upon her return. They would be provided for, and Dina could go on living as normal—or as normal as the world now would allow anyway.

Ellie had been so close to the settlement, only three miles away, when she had decided to turn on her heels without ever reaching it. Without ever seeing Dina or JJ. 

It was a strange decision even to her at first, and for a while, Ellie had been unable to put a finger on why she chose to do what she did that day. But two years was a long time, and it had left her with a lot of time to think. A lot of time to come to terms with the reasons she made that decision. After all, she was the one who had chosen to leave the Farm, her family, and the life she and Dina had put ahead of them together. And though coming back to an empty house didn’t surprise her, something in her had always hoped that Dina would still be waiting there. That whole journey back, she had been thinking, dreaming. Perhaps Dina would just be hanging laundry, her back towards Ellie as Ellie made her way to the Farm. Dina would turn around and freeze in shock, and then relief would wash over her so visibly as she broke into a smile through her tears. And then maybe JJ, being just a little older than one, would be chasing a chicken, and stop mid-chase to toddle towards her with a dorky grin on his face. Or maybe he would hide behind Dina with a pout, having forgotten who this now-strange face on his Farm was. And then—and then, she would have a place to call home again. People to call family.

Or maybe, having left for a year, she was simply naive in thinking she could just pick up where she left off. Maybe Dina would still be furious. Maybe Dina wouldn’t be ready to forgive her. Maybe Dina didn’t want to see her. After all, when she left, they had essentially agreed to go their own separate ways. And Dina had every right to be angry.

The wind whistled and was smothered again in a sigh. Ellie sighed with it. Last light was fading, and the stars were just beginning to peek out from the cracks across the vast expanse of the sky. She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel.

Ellie had considered other possibilities of course. Perhaps there would be a new face on the Farm—a familiar one, a new one, it didn’t quite matter. Dina was Dina, and she was never without a hopeful suitor when they were back in Jackson. Had she come back to this, Ellie had decided that so long as she could ascertain that the other face was kind and loved Dina and JJ at least as much as she did, she would simply let Dina know that she was alive and journey on. To where, she wasn’t sure yet, but who was she to ruin Dina’s newfound happiness? ‘Whatever was best for Dina’ was a line she had told herself over and over again throughout these years. Ellie owed her that much for having left the way she did. _Whatever was best for Dina._

The empty farm was the one scenario that always casually tossed Ellie into oblivion, leaving her at a loss for what to do next. With it bore the greatest uncertainty, the greatest unknowns. Somehow, she always knew it was the most likely thing to happen. After all, how was she to expect Dina to take care of herself and an infant all alone on the Farm? Still, even as she tried to logic her way through it, Ellie knew that this possibility always terrified her. If the Farm she stepped into was empty, there would be no way of knowing for sure where Dina had gone to, what happened to JJ, if they were both well taken care of. They would be alive, most certainly, as she had told herself so many times, but there would be no real way of knowing that either. She could only find out afterwards, at best. And yet, two years ago, this was exactly what happened.

And so, somewhere along the trail between the Farm and Jackson, Ellie decided not to look back. Sure, she’d find a way to ask around, just to make sure that Dina was actually alive and safe in Jackson, but onwards she would then go, living only on that knowledge. Really, who was she to mess with whatever Dina had now, to run the risk of possibly turning Dina’s world upside-down again, just like she had the last time she saw and spoke to Dina? It couldn’t be called love. No, it would be selfish.

Ellie helped herself off the tractor. It complained with another creak. She made her way towards the house, the tall grass brushing against her clothes and skin. A small voice in the back of her head reminded her that perhaps all these were just excuses in the end, that perhaps she had turned away simply to punish herself for having left Dina and JJ in the first place. For the shame of having left, for having hurt them, and then for having returned achieving not what she set out to do. And perhaps in knowing that even if she had been given a second chance to choose all over again, she would still have left the Farm, and she would still have let Abby live. Ultimately, her decision would still be to hurt those she loved most for a fruitless goal, of which its very fruitlessness required its journey for Ellie to realize. So, she didn’t deserve to be happy. Plus, the coward in her knew walking away from Jackson would mean she would be alone not because she had been abandoned, not because Dina and JJ had someone else, not because Dina couldn’t forgive her and had turned her away. At least this time, she would be alone by her own choice.

Night was falling fast, and the darkening sky brought with it a bitter chill. It chilled Ellie in a way she didn’t quite expect, right down to the core, and she suddenly felt small again. She dug her hands into her pockets. It wasn’t a foreign feeling. In fact, the way it burgeoned from somewhere deep within was like seeing an old friend walking towards her from the distance, except it wasn’t pleasant and she didn’t want to see this friend. The almost unnoticeably but steadily growing weight in her heart, the increasing tightness in her chest. Just like when she watched Dina dance with someone else, before Dina had kissed her that night back in Jackson. It was that silent longing, those secret feelings, that unspoken ache. Think long enough about Dina, and this was the one feeling that always managed to creep up on her as she tried simultaneously to reason her way out of it.

Her hand lingered on the door handle. Two years since she had been back to this place. Three years since she had last seen Dina. She had managed to get word that Dina was indeed back in Jackson, but two years ago was the last she had heard of it.

This time, Ellie had come back because she felt like she owed it to Dina to at least let her know that she was alive. She couldn’t be sure that Dina wanted to see her again, but she understood that, at the very least, there was an undeniable comfort in knowing someone you once held precious was still living and breathing, with blood still very much pulsing through their veins. 

The door gave way slowly, but in an instant, the sharp smell of iron perforated the air, flooding Ellie’s nose and then her every sense. She froze, feeling every muscle in her body tense. _What?_ Pressing her body up against the wall beside the door frame, she reached for the handgun tucked in the waistband of her pants and cocked it. She swallowed. The door warned her with a dying creak as she pushed it open cautiously. Ellie took a small step inside, holding her gun out in front of her, finger on the trigger. She looked around. The door had disturbed the dust, which now clung tightly into the air, setting so slowly it was as if time itself had slowed down to suit it. Ellie strained to listen for any sound, any sign of someone there. Her bottom lip quivered. Utter silence. The air was thick with the scent of old blood mixed into dilapidation. Her heart rang in her head, pounding with the millions of possibilities that flashed through her head, invading her every thought. _Please don’t let it be Dina._

A sweep through all the rooms on the first floor told Ellie that the house was empty and had been for a long time. The only footsteps in the dust were her own and whatever the house had trapped with it was undoubtedly long gone. Ellie made her way warily towards the staircase, her eyes resting on a large pool of blood cascading down the stairs. It had dripped and dried, like some sinister waterfall frozen in time. The floorboards dipped in disapproval as she neared it. It was a faded red, deep and dull, almost black. A whiff of air told Ellie that nothing in the house was dead or decomposing. Just blood. A lot of it. Whoever had bled out here probably… _It couldn’t have been Dina._

Ellie suddenly found herself fighting her quickening breath. She followed the bloody drag marks on the floor which took her out the back door. And then they, too, were lost to time. In the fields ahead, Ellie could barely make out patches where the grass had grown a little differently from that around it, perhaps from the disturbance of having had weight dragged over it. But bending down and touching the earth, she knew there was nothing solid that she could work with or go on. The rain had already washed it all away. For a moment, Ellie considered whether she ought to make an attempt to rediscover the trail anyway. But what good would that do? Judging from the sheer volume of blood on those steps, at most there would be a dead body at the end of the road. And so it couldn't possibly be Dina. There was absolutely no reason why Dina would need to come back to the Farm, anyway. Absolutely no reason at all, unless…

A strong gust of wind tumbled over the Farm and a loose plank lost its grip, crashing to the ground. The sudden sound shook Ellie and she swallowed to find her heart suddenly at her throat. A blaze of white ripped through her vision as something squeezed at her insides. _Shit_. She fought it. Dina. Jackson. She had to go now, she had no time to waste. She needed to get to Jackson just to make sure that Dina was still there. That Dina was alive.

Ellie sprinted around the house, pushing her way through the tall grass to the tractor out front. Reaching out to pick up her bag, she found her hand trembling. Another flash of white, a searing pain coursing through her. She felt momentarily paralyzed, her insides wrung out like a towel. The wind wailed. _Not now, Ellie. Focus. Jackson first. Dina first._ She threw her bag over her shoulder and, walking at a pace toeing that of a jog, started across the fields towards Jackson. She wanted—no, she needed—the certainty.

It would probably have been more sensible for her to stay in the house or barn for the night, making for Jackson at first light, but Ellie pushed on, partially to keep herself occupied. She couldn’t stay another moment on the Farm with the constant reminder of the uncertainty. It was an incessant voice, like the buzzing of a fly that wouldn’t go away, nagging at the back of her head. Then, Joel’s voice boomed in her ears, succeeded by a fleeting image of Dina’s battered and bloodied face. She shook her head to clear it and realized that the back of her neck and the collar of her jacket were already drenched with sweat. The building nausea tumbling in her stomach threatened to shoot her heart straight out her mouth. _Not now. Fight it._

As she picked her way through this stretch of land, Ellie felt thankful that the landscape had been burned into her muscle memory. This allowed her to channel what felt like were the last shreds of her sanity into staying vigilant of her surroundings, while navigating directionally on pure instinct. Thinking straight seemed barely an option at this point. Her breathing was jagged, weighed down by the constant barrage of sounds and images she knew were only in her head. _Joel. Jesse. Tommy. Dina._ Ellie had learned to control herself better when these episodes happened, at least to keep herself at a level which meant she was still remotely functional or to recognize the signs of a particularly bad one early enough to take cover before it happened. Although the frequency of the more intense attacks had since waned with time, they still came back regularly, and she had been forced to learn to cope in these solitary years. Nobody would be around to yank her out of it and she would be stuck in her own head unless she learned to pull herself out. Soldiering straight through it generally helped lessen its intensity. If she pushed forward, she had a better chance of pushing through an episode, maybe even avoiding it entirely. Ellie closed her hands in tight fists, digging her nails into her palms until it hurt, and the pain cleared her head for a moment, brief but sufficient to hear her own voice. _Breathe. Find Dina first._

But her head suddenly clouded over again as she saw a bloodied golf club in a streak of white that mangled her thoughts. And then everything she passed by became a blur, and between flashes she could remember almost nothing. She walked on blindly, almost tripping over herself, until her feet suddenly seemed unimaginably heavy. She was forced to slow down and drag her feet. _Fuck._ She stood still, her shoulders and chest heaving. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where?_ In those seconds of momentary clarity, Ellie cursed herself for not having paid more attention. Carelessness got you killed out here. She, of all people, should know that. She got lucky.

 _You weren’t in control,_ a voice at the back of her mind told her.

 _But I have to be_ , she argued back.

Looking around, she found herself in the territory immediately outside Jackson. This was the very area that she had turned away two years ago. Another flash. _Dina._ She really needed a clear head. Her knuckles came into contact full force against the tough bark of a tree, the instant pain shooting through her arm, dispersing the clouds of sounds and images thundering in her head. It brought her back some headspace to try reorienting herself, though she knew the flashbacks were still lurking somewhere in there. _Fuck._ She knew the feeling, should have acknowledged it earlier. Not only were they lurking somewhere just below the surface, they would soon be rearing their ugly heads with double the force. Ellie needed cover, and she needed it fast. Fighting it would be a losing battle.

She remembered that there was a shack just nearby, she had stopped there before. Ellie found it easily, circling it twice to ensure it was unoccupied, that she could stay there undisturbed. The shack was a little more run-down than she last remembered, its entrance coated in a matted tumble of grass. Stepping inside as silently as she could, she skimmed her surroundings. The roof was missing some pieces and the paint on the walls had peeled to reveal the wooden texture underneath it. The odd weed grew between the cracks of the floor. Ellie let her backpack fall to the floor and she collapsed beside it. Finding her bottle, she raised it to her lips, trying to get a drink of water. But her throat repelled it and she couldn’t swallow, gagging at the unwelcome intrusion. The mouthful landed on the ground. She hadn’t even realized that her throat was this parched. Ellie caught her breath and tried again, forcing the water down her throat. This time, the sound of gulping echoed in her ears as a coolness coated her insides and spread throughout her chest.

She set the bottle down, and the sound of silence seemed to expand exponentially in the small space. It quickly became unbearable, and Ellie found herself humming the Potato song softly to herself. It always felt bittersweet, but strangely enough, this was the one tune that always managed to worm itself into her head in her darkest times. Another one of those coping mechanisms that one’s brain chose on its own, she supposed.

Ellie drew her knees up, resting her forearms on them. Now all that was left for her to do was wait. This was the cruel break that her mind was giving her, the greatest calms before the fiercest storms. 

Her fingertips trailed along her bruised knuckles which stung slightly, and then down to Dina’s Hamsa tied around her wrist. It had worn down with time. And if there was one thing time had taught her, it was that time healed. At least some things, if not all things. Slowly, but surely. She hoped this meant that Dina at least wouldn’t be opposed to seeing her. But as certain as she was that time healed, she also knew that time would be unforgiving. There was no telling where in life Dina would be now, who she would be with. Even if— _if—_ she had been open to reconciliation and a relationship upon Ellie’s first return, two years was a long time. In the span of two years, Ellie had tried to move on, and she knew she could have, if she really tried. But something in her… didn’t want to. But none of that mattered. Now, she told herself, the one thing she needed was a sign that Dina was alright. That she was alive. _Alive, alive, alive._

The thick scent of iron pierced her nose again, emptying her mind and bringing with it another white flash. Then another. And a third. It was coming. Faces, screams, deafening silence. She shuddered, yanking at the collar of her shirt and shoving it in her mouth. Biting as hard as she could on the cloth, Ellie hugged her legs tightly against her chest.

—————

Sunlight had already found its way into the shack through the gaps in the roof when Ellie opened her eyes again. How much better it would have been if the night had been completely sleepless. Instead, she had heard her name in Joel’s pained screams again and again, watched as the golf club was raised high into the air—the crack of Joel’s skull echoing infinitely in her head. She saw herself reflected in the blankness of Jesse’s glassed-over eyes, heard Tommy’s agonized groan at the burst of a gunshot. Blood. Lots of blood. She saw Dina, bloodied and brusied with a knife right at her throat. Over and over. Over and over. They sloshed wildly in her head, unrelenting and unyielding against every ounce of her willpower. She wasn’t able to get out of it, her breathing was too fast, too panicked, her whole body too tense. All she could do was clench her jaw, bite harder on her shirt, and try to stay as silent as possible, all while hyperventilating with the knowledge that nothing she tried to tell herself would slow her breath. She was driving herself into a corner and this time, there was no out. Everything spun. And then she could remember nothing more.

Her arms reached towards the roof and then to her sides as she tried to stretch out her stiff back. Ellie opened her mouth, finding her jaw sore, and tilted her head to its side until it cracked. She tried to move her legs, but they refused to budge, only offering the dull and defiant stab of a thousand pins and needles. She took a deep breath, rubbing at her cheeks and finding her skin caked into place by her tears.

As much as she hated the loss of control, the blackout had been kind enough to leave her with a clear head. And it was clearer than day that she must get to Jackson and find Dina. Just to double-check, because Dina was most certainly alive, had to be. Ellie shook her legs, trying to regain feeling a little faster, and then helped herself up on her feet as soon as she could.

Standing at the doorway, she could see from the shadows that the sun would be reaching its peak in the sky in maybe an hour or so. She surveyed her surroundings from where she stood. Grass, trees, sky. Stillness.

Ellie had just taken a step out of the shack, when she heard the crack of a branch breaking. She froze and retracted her foot immediately, slinking back into the shadows. She reached for her gun, pressing her body against the wall. It creaked. _Fuck_.

She heard it again, another rustle, another crack, footsteps, and then they stopped. Ellie swallowed hard. Had they noticed her? She held her breath. The footsteps started again, and Ellie listened, her eyes glued to the ground. The tip of a shadow came into view through the doorway from where she stood.

_3… 2… 1._

In one swift motion, Ellie whipped around and out of the shack, pointing her gun at the intruder. She found herself staring into the barrel of a gun as well, that little round hole that spelled certain death with any wrong move. Her eyes shifted their focus from the gun to the arm that held it, tracing up the arm till she could see the face. In that instant, Ellie’s eyes widened. She dropped her gun, raising her hands in the air. 

Ellie barely noticed the other gun being lowered until she realized her view was completely unobstructed. It was her. _Her._ Her jacket had been darkened by time and dirt, patched where it had torn. Her hair was tied back, those untameable curls just peeking out from behind her head. Time hadn’t forgotten her, and yet she was still just as breathtakingly gorgeous. Those expressive, deep-set eyes, the tall bridge of her nose, those lips… _Dina_. Ellie felt her breath hitch.

And in the air echoed the soft unspoken utterance that had stumbled into each of their heads, filling the void that the initial shock had left behind—a simple yet pained sentiment that the past had tortured so deeply into them as precious beyond measure: _you’re alive._

Relief came pummelling down onto Ellie, flooding her whole body and threatening to overspill at her eyes. Her vision grew blurry and she tried to blink it away, willing her eyes to just focus on the face in front of her. She wasn’t dreaming. Of course, Dina was alive. What else would she be?

And she read relief too, in Dina’s eyes. But there was something more behind it, something she couldn’t quite be sure of.

Of everything that Ellie had ever considered, the one thing she had left unaccounted for was them meeting here, like this. Rubbing her nose, she suddenly realized how tense her posture was. She tried to relax. "H-hey.”

“Hi.” Dina tore her gaze away almost immediately, but not before Ellie saw the tears in her eyes.

“Um.” Ellie bent down, picking up her gun. “I’m headed for Jackson, so… if you’re headed there too, maybe we could…?”

“Sure.” Dina turned, walking away briskly, coldly. 

At the sound of footsteps, Ellie looked up, watching Dina’s back. Her hair was swishing gently against her backpack, which was bobbing up and down as she picked her way through the grass. _This was it?_

Ellie blinked twice, and then, tucking her gun away, she picked up her pace, jogging lightly till she was only mere steps away from Dina. Yet, the distance between them suddenly seemed even greater than before. The only sound that filled the air was that of their boots against the crinkle of the grass, and the rustling of their clothes and weapons with each movement.

Ellie clutched the strap of her backpack tightly as she tried to unscramble everything she had ever thought she wanted to tell Dina when they met again, but she found herself at a loss for words. She willed Dina to start a conversation. Say something, anything. Yell at her. Slap her. Ask a question. Hell, ask a hundred. _Where have you been? Why didn’t you come back? Why are you here now?_ She had rehearsed the answers a million times in her head. But Dina was silent.

The silence bothered Ellie so much that she felt compelled to say something. “So… how have you been?”

“Good.” The monosyllabic answer in a voice that betrayed not a single drop of emotion had nothing to offer.

Ellie opened her mouth and then closed it. She stared hard into the back of Dina’s head for a few seconds, and then opened her mouth again, “And… JJ?”

“Growing up fine.”

Nothing to be gleaned there, either. They returned to silence. Dina must be angry. And of course, why wouldn’t she be? Ellie inhaled, feeling her lungs expand with air. She wrung her hands together, trying to search for words. _Are you with anyone?_ As much as she wanted to know, a question like that was too prying, too inappropriate. And it really oughtn’t be a priority. Ellie shook her head. At the rate this was going, these three miles were going to be the longest three she had ever walked.

“What about you, Ellie?”

The sound of her name in Dina’s voice gave her a sharp, unexpected stab to the heart. She paused for a moment, trying to sort out what her own feelings were trying to tell her. She couldn’t. “I’ve been… alright. Mostly.” 

Again, that dreaded silence. Ellie couldn’t remember the last time they had been together with absolutely nothing to say to each other. And then, it hit her that it wasn’t that they had nothing to say, but that there was just too much and no way of knowing where to begin. Her breath shook as she exhaled. They were strangers now. Sort of. Definitely. It was naive of her to even have hoped that they could somehow still be holding on to some strange remnant of what they used to have, let alone just pick things back up after all this time. Unforgiving, indeed.

“So… JJ’s almost four now, huh? He must be quite a ball of energy, yeah?” Ellie felt a bit like she was poking at a bear with a stick. One wrong move and this would all be over. Maybe staying silent was better. Dina didn’t really seem to want to talk anyway. Dina hadn’t even turned to meet her eyes even once this entire time.

“Yes, I guess you can put it that way.” Dina’s voice had softened. So, JJ was a good topic to go on for now, at least until they found their words again. Their pace. “He’s been… keeping me really busy. You know how they say it takes a village? It’s true.”

Was Dina taking a dig at her for leaving? Ellie couldn’t be sure. Or was Dina trying to say something more? She… couldn’t be sure of that either. Ellie studied Dina’s back as they made their way through the landscape. 

“Can I see him when we get to Jackson?”

Dina paused for the briefest of moments, like she had hit a snag in her train of thought, and as she smoothed it out, she let out a soft but audible sigh. “I don’t see why not.” 

A sudden crack and rustle in the distance. Their heads turned in that direction and Dina held out her hand, signalling a stop. They both crouched low, reaching for their handguns. Ellie shifted closer to Dina and, with Dina in the corner of her eye, turned around to scan the area behind them. Their guns cocked one after the other. Dina gave her a quick nod and they began to slink closer towards the sound. Ellie strained her ears, listening for any foreign sound or sign of danger. She knew Dina was doing the same. A tall bush obstructed their view of where the sound was coming from. Their eyes met. _Okay._ In one quick manoeuvre, Ellie shoved the tangle of leaves out of the way, with Dina pointing a gun in that direction. 

Nothing. Nothing but the disturbed leaves falling to the ground.

And then a small brown rabbit scampered away from under the bush and into another. _False alarm._ They both exhaled. Ellie looked over at Dina but Dina wasn’t looking at her. She noticed a hint of frustration lining Dina’s face just before it disappeared without a trace. Dina straightened herself up, standing a little taller, and walked on, expecting Ellie to catch up. But Ellie had been uncharacteristically spooked. Although she, too, stood a little taller, her eyes continued to shift nervously from side to side, watching for the slightest movement in the shadows. She whipped her head around at the slightest noise, just in case it was something. A foreboding menace hung over her like a raincloud that wouldn’t go away. The back of her shirt was absolutely soaked. She tucked her gun back into her pants, but kept her hand on it.

“So, where are you going next?” The question came so suddenly and so softly that Ellie almost missed it between the crunching of grass and dead twigs under their feet.

“I don’t know yet.” The one question she didn’t have the answer to. Didn’t dare have an answer to. _Ask me to stay,_ she begged in her head. But this time, too, she was met with blaring silence. Her throat was running dry again, and she was suddenly aware of every inhale and exhale. She heard herself swallow, the sound growing louder and louder in her head. A white blaze tore through her vision. _Fuck. No way._

They were about half a mile away from Jackson now, and Ellie’s heart was beating in her throat again rather than her chest. The void there was being filled with the familiar ache, a slow bloom that threatened to take over her whole body. She had slowed her step down involuntarily, widening the gap between them.

“Where have you been all this time?” Dina had slowed her pace too.

“Santa Barbara. Tracked Abby to there.”

“Difficult to track down?”

She blinked hard. “Yeah. It took me a couple of months to get to her. She was caught by the Rattlers, and I was almost caught, too, so—” Ellie had almost walked right into Dina, who had stopped mid-stride. When Dina turned around, her eyes were narrowed and her piercing gaze felt like daggers shooting straight through Ellie. Reading the flash of rage in her eyes, Ellie took a step back.

“You’ve been gone for almost three years.”

 _Ah, shit._ “Yes, I went back to the Farm, though, and then I left to—”

“Did you come looking for me?”

“Sort of, I—”

“Sort of. So you didn’t. And you couldn’t have sent word.”

“Dina, listen, I—”

As quickly as she had stopped, Dina stormed off. Ellie looked up, chewing on her bottom lip, and put her hands on her hips. She found herself standing in a small clearing. The sun was beating down on them from the sky. In a split second, the sunlight disappeared and everything sank into pitch darkness. Someone—some _thing_ screamed. Drawing a sharp breath, Ellie blinked as hard as she could, and she opened her eyes to the clearing, the sky, the sunlight. _Really? Now? So soon? Fuck. Please. Not now._ With a deep trembling breath, she put one foot forward, and then the other, and called out to Dina, “Dina, please. Just a moment. I’ll explain.” The steady _thump thump thump_ in her head increased steadily in speed.

“Explain, Ellie?! Tell me, what is there to explain?!” Dina threw her arms in the air in exasperation, not missing a single step as she powered on.

Ellie stopped dead in her tracks. Maybe Dina was right. What use was this conversation now? Did it matter? Did it— _pitch darkness. Bright flashes. Joel’s face, Joel’s blood. Loud bangs, deafening clashes, god-awful screams, who the fuck was making all that noise? Go away, you came last night already, why are you back?! Fucking go!_

She fell onto her knees and dug her nails into the ground. She saw droplets fall onto the grass. It took her a moment to realize that those were her tears. Ellie wiped at her cheeks angrily. _You don’t have a right to cry._ Her breathing was so fast. She tried to slow it, but felt herself retching instead, her stomach flip-flopping, ready to fall out at any moment. She clawed at the grass. _Breathe. Focus._

Ellie looked up to find her vision blurry. She could barely make out Dina’s silhouette in the distance. It was getting smaller and smaller. She needed to get up and push on. Forcing herself onto her feet again, she stumbled forward. She clung desperately to the sliver of reason she found in her head. _Close the gap. Dina._

But her heart kept thrashing in her head, until even with her eyes glued on Dina, she saw the unforgiving flashes of red, and tasted blood in her mouth. The iron scent wrapped itself around her. Her head was shrouded in flashes which burned with each blink. Her fingers found her the collar of her shirt and she frantically grasped at it, ramming it in her mouth. She bit hard just as a shrill shriek filled her ears— _Joel. Too soon. Scream. Ellie. Club. Focus. Blood. Bones. Help me. Crack. Riley. Crunch. Go away. Jesse. Eyes. Stop. Reflection. Tommy. Breathe. Gunshot. Dina. Breathe! Blood. Arrow. Scream. Screams._

_Death. Dead. They’re dead._

_Ellie._

_Shut up!_

_Breathe._

_Can’t breathe._

_Dead. Dead. They’re all dead._

_Ellie! Help me!_

Pain jolted through her body like an electric current. She lost her footing and fell forward. She squeezed her eyes shut, holding her head in her hands. _You couldn’t save them. They’re dead. All dead. And you’re not._

It hurt. Everything hurt. She was burning, and so was everything around her. Ellie opened her mouth to gasp for air but nothing came in. _Dead._

_Ellie. Ellie. Ellie._

_Ellie._

_Ellie!_

“Ellie!” 

She felt a hand tight on her shoulder and she slapped it away reflexively, scrambling backwards until her back hit a tree. She looked up, eyes wide, the bite marks on her shirt moving up and down with the heaving of her chest and shoulders. Everything was spinning, but she could make out a familiar figure crouched in front of her. 

“Ellie, it’s okay. Breathe. Breathe.”

But she couldn’t. She dug her fingers into the dirt. _Breathe_. She wanted to vomit. _Who?_

“Ellie. It’s Dina. You’re okay. Breathe.”

_Dina. Dina. Dina. Alive._

Ellie pounded a fist against her chest, willing herself to breathe. She suddenly felt air flood through her lungs and then she coughed it all back out. But her head was beginning to clear. She could inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. It was heavy and laboured, but she was breathing. She tilted her head back, gulping air.

“Ellie?”

At the sound of Dina’s voice, Ellie looked in front of her. She blinked. It took her a moment, but her vision focused, and she saw Dina looking back at her, her face lined with worry. 

“Dina, I—” It felt like an invisible boot had kicked her in the stomach and she choked on her own words. Her ears were ringing.

“Shh. Just breathe.” 

Ellie tried to nod, but wasn’t sure if she did. She watched as Dina sat down beside her, and then tilted her head towards the sky again, the last tears burning as they streaked down her cheeks. _Breathe, Ellie. Breathe._ And she did, the drumming of her heart calming slowly, but surely. It took time. She drew her legs up, resting her forearms on her knees. She closed her eyes and listened to everything around her. She found space in her head to think.

Dina was alive. She knew Dina was alive, and Dina knew she was alive, so hadn’t Ellie already achieved her purpose? Maybe Jackson really wouldn’t be her destination. Honestly, coming back now, what was she expecting anyway? On her way to the Farm, she had been so certain that coming back was the right thing to do, that it was _the_ thing to do. Maybe it wasn’t, after all. Right? Countless thoughts swimming in her head, and yet she could make sense of none of it. Seeing Dina again was honestly going about as badly as it could. 

“Ellie, look.” Dina’s voice was sudden but soft. At least she didn’t sound angry anymore. An uncomfortable silence hung in the air, and then Dina sighed. It sounded as though it came from a place deep within her. “I know I said we would be over if you left. But after you left, I waited three months at the Farm,” her voice cracked, “I don’t know, I just hoped that you’d turn back after leaving for a few days, that maybe you’d do things quickly… I know it’s not like you to change your mind halfway, but—” She trailed off, she was searching for words. “And then I just couldn’t wait anymore. I had to come back to Jackson. I couldn’t take care of JJ and take care of the house and the farm, and hunt and patrol and do everything all by myself. I couldn’t do all that while not knowing what happened to you. I couldn’t do it with uncertainty of whether you’d ever make it back to me always hanging over my head.” 

“I know. I didn’t expect you to wait… and…” Resting her elbow on her knee, Ellie brought her fist up to her face, her knuckles covering her mouth and nose as she exhaled deeply. She breathed again and turned to look at Dina, “I’m not here to apologize for leaving.”

Dina was looking in her direction, but didn’t look at her. There was a frown on her face, the kind that made her eyebrows knit tightly together and pressed her lips into a thin line. But for the first time in three years, Ellie found herself looking at Dina. _Really_ looking at Dina. The tip of her nose was red. So were her cheeks, which were stained with tears. They were a little more gaunt than Ellie had last remembered. She noted a new scar on the back of Dina’s right hand, a fresh cut on her jawline. Dina said nothing, and yet those dark eyes spoke all at once more than any words could ever say. And then Dina looked away. She sniffed. “I know.” 

Anger hadn’t been the right word. It was pain. And it stung. 

Ellie put one leg down onto the grass and leaned back, resting the back of her head against the tree. She could feel the warmth of the sun and saw streams of sunlight peering at her from between the leaves of the tree.

“Why didn’t you come looking for me right after, Ellie? Just be honest.”

“I did? I made my way to Jackson, but I turned back. I just thought maybe… if you had left the Farm, it meant you had found something better in life, you know? Some normalcy for you and JJ. Someone better, even, I don’t know. I didn’t want to just show up and mess things up for you, make things difficult. I just wanted the best for you.” 

Dina stood up. Her knuckles had turned white, and her voice grew intense with mocking disbelief as she glared at Ellie, “Best for me? Shit, Ellie. Who the hell do you think you are to decide what’s fucking best for me?!” 

They both knew there was something more to be said, something more that should have been said. But Ellie didn’t answer, and Dina simply shook her head. She exhaled heavily from her nostrils and furrowed her brows tighter together. Dina gazed away into the distance. They let the question hang like poison in the air for a few seconds. And then, in a voice as normal as she could make it out to be, Dina muttered, “Jackson, right? We still have a bit more to go.”

Ellie nodded wordlessly. Her palms felt exceptionally cold, but she pushed that feeling to the back of her head and pressed her palm against the grass to get her back onto her feet. She found herself watching Dina’s back again as they continued, the way her curls bounced from side to side as she continued trekking on, the gentle sway of her hips.

The landscape had been slowly morphing, changing gradually from what nature had reclaimed to reveal the marks of man having conquered it again. They would be at Jackson in a matter of minutes. Ellie kept her pace a short distance behind Dina. The only sound between them were the occasional whispers of the earth as the wind combed through it and the noise they made walking across the land. Words hung at the tip of Ellie’s tongue and, seeing the familiar walls of Jackson in the near distance, she decided she should say them before they got there. That way, she could still turn and leave if she needed to. Every part of her suddenly felt heavy, her limbs didn’t feel like her own. Ellie found herself more exhausted than she had ever thought she could be, but mustered whatever energy she had left in quickening her step to get closer to Dina.

“Dina. I got scared, Dina. I got cold feet. Two years ago, when I got to the Farm and found it empty, I didn’t know if you’d still want me to see me, want me in your life. I didn’t know if you’d forgive me. And maybe you already had someone else, you already said you wouldn’t be waiting… I just… I just didn’t want to risk being left alone again.”

“Then… why are you back now?” 

“Because I thought I owed you as much to let you know I was alive. And because…” Ellie felt her vision blur again at the sudden pulse of emotion that welled up in her. She bit her lip to fight it, and took a sharp breath, “Because I really wanted to see you again.”

Dina slowed her step, and then drew to a stop. She turned her head slightly but stopped just before Ellie could make out her expression. “We’re here. Stick a little closer behind me, yeah?” Ellie didn’t answer, but she complied, walking almost beside Dina as they neared the gates. She kept her head down as Dina waved at the man posted there. She could feel questioning eyes following her as they passed through the gate, but they were not stopped. 

They walked a short distance more within the settlement, before Dina put a hand on Ellie’s arm, stopping her before a house. “Stay here, I’ll go get JJ.” 

Ellie nodded. She had been walking with her eyes glued to the floor. Now, she lifted her head and recognized the house instantly. Jesse’s parents. Did that mean…? Ellie tried to suffocate the budding hope stirring in her head before it could take on a life of its own. There was still no way of knowing for certain, and she would rather not be weighed down by a disappointment that she brought upon herself. Ellie took her gun out from the waistband of her pants and put it back in its holster. She wrung her hands together in front of her. 

The door opened and Dina walked out. A little shadow peeked out from behind Dina as they emerged, clutching her leg tightly. The child had grown so much taller than Ellie had last remembered, and though his features still reminded her of Jesse, he was looking a lot more like Dina, too. 

Ellie bent down, one knee on the floor, and leaned forward slightly. They were about three meters apart. She tried her best to muster a smile. “Hey, buddy.”

JJ looked blank for a moment, and then the corners of his mouth dipped downwards and his face shaded over in a bright red. He clung to Dina’s leg, his small knuckles turning white. Then his eyes widened, his face relaxed, and he looked up at Dina and pointed a small chubby finger at Ellie, “Mommy?”

Dina offered a reassuring smile, reaching down to give him a little push, “Go on, now.”

“Mommy’s back!” JJ came bounding towards Ellie, so suddenly that it knocked her back in a blur of surprise and confusion. Yes, Dina had gone out, Dina had come back, the kid must be happy, but why was JJ running towards her instead? She found herself sitting on the floor with JJ’s arms wrapped around her neck, a wet kiss planted on her cheek. “Mommy’s come back from the long journey!” She hugged him back. _What?_

“H-hey, little guy,” Ellie was still trying to process, but instinctively picked him up and lifted him into the air above her head. Oof, so much heavier than she expected, “Oh wow, it’s big guy now, isn’t it?” She glanced just past him to find Dina watching them, standing with her weight on one hip, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She wore a soft smile on her face.

“Is Mommy sad?”

“Hmm?” Ellie looked back at JJ, setting him down as his soft hands began rubbing roughly at her wet cheeks.

“Why’s Mommy sad? Did Mommy get hurt?”

And then it really started to ache. It ached because she had realized, and she had understood. And for the first time in almost three years, she knew she could believe. It was like she was toppling from the inside-out, with the searing pain of an arrow ripping into her and blossoming from her chest and then spreading to the very tips of her fingers and toes, like some sort of untameable beast had been released within her. And yet it was followed by a fountain of relief that flowed all through her, cool and soothing.

She pulled JJ into a tight hug, “Nah Potato, I’m not sad, I’m happy to see you. I’ve just… missed you a lot.”

“I missed you, too,” JJ giggled. Ellie’s gaze locked with Dina’s. Dina was wiping away tears, but she was smiling. And so was Ellie. _I missed you, too._

They stayed on the ground for a minute more, before Ellie felt JJ trying to wiggle his way out of her embrace. She let go as Dina touched JJ’s shoulder lightly, “Should we head back home, JJ?” Ellie helped herself to her feet as JJ reached out for Dina’s hand.

And then JJ reached for her hand as well, and wrapped his fingers around it tightly. “Yeah, Mama, let’s.”

—————

Night had fallen again, and the lights all around the settlement were turning off one by one, slowly lulling Jackson into the quietness of the night. The settlement was still stirring in places, but was slowly grinding to a halt. Ellie sat by the window, watching and looking up at the sky. The stars were still visible against the sky here, but much duller than those bright ones painted above the Farm. But it was the same sky. How much difference distance could make. 

Her fingers found Dina’s Hamsa again, and she held onto it, twisting it gently around her wrist. What a day.

“Hey.” Dina’s slender figure was leaning against the wall by the stairwell. How long had she been standing there?

“Hey.” Ellie offered a weak smile, tilting her head towards the empty space across her on the windowsill, “Sleeping?”

“Yeah, finally.” Dina let out a small laugh and uncrossed her arms, finding her way over to the window. She took a seat at the other end of the windowsill and crossed her legs, “Waaay too much excitement for one day.”

Ellie smiled, shifting her weight and setting her feet down onto the cool wooden floorboards. She looked down at the ground, uncertain of what to do next, but in her peripheral vision, she saw Dina uncross her legs and slide closer. Looking at the gap between them, she found her fingertips mere inches from Dina’s. Slowly, her fingers slid over the space, stopping just as they brushed against Dina’s. She felt them draw away. Dina had curled her hand into a fist, partially tucking it just under her thigh.

“I still haven’t forgiven you, you know.”

“I know.” Ellie looked away, feeling her heart sink.

“But…” A hand came to rest lightly of Ellie’s forearm, “I was thinking you can stick around ’til I do.”

“Can I?” 

“Please do.” It was the softest of whispers, but Ellie heard it, and that was enough. Dina fingers traced a line down Ellie’s scar to the back of her hand, until she found Ellie’s fingers and laced them together. Ellie turned to find Dina looking straight at her. In the gentle illumination of the fading lights from outside, they could just make out each other’s features. Dina’s lips were curled into a soft smile. It gave Ellie the courage to smile back. 

“We should get some sleep, too. It’ll be a long day for you tomorrow once they know you’re back.”

“Don’t you think we should talk?”

Dina shrugged, looking away towards the blank wall straight ahead, “We should, but if there’s one thing we’ve got now, it’s time, right?”

“Right.”

They sat again in silence, but this time, it didn’t weigh so heavily on Ellie’s shoulders. She let it stay. And then Ellie felt Dina’s gaze on her. She swallowed. Dina moved in closer till they were sitting right next to each other, their arms brushing against each other. Wordlessly, she rested her head on Ellie’s shoulder. 

Ellie’s throat ran dry, her arm tensing. It took her a moment, but she squeezed Dina’s hand lightly before letting go, slowly wrapping her arm around Dina. Her hand hovered over Dina’s shoulder for a few seconds before she finally set it down. This felt… surreal.

Dina took Ellie’s other hand, running a thumb back and forth on its back. Her fingers grazed against the two stumps and she paused. “Does it hurt?”

“No, not anymore.”

“The Infected?”

“Abby.”

“Did you…?” She didn’t finish, but she didn’t need to.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Mm…” Dina was quiet. Ellie couldn’t quite understand what Dina was thinking, but Dina hadn’t moved away, so perhaps right now, it didn’t matter. Just as Dina said, from now on out, time was what they had. 

“So… where did you go these two years?”

“Oh, a bit of everywhere. I went back to Boston, Salt Lake City…”

“Stay anywhere, meet anyone?”

“No, not really… I guess it felt better to be alone..?”

Dina nodded. Ellie wondered if she understood the feeling, too. She leaned her head on Dina’s.

"What were you doing out there alone today, Dina?"

"Been on a bit of a rebel streak. I sneak out sometimes."

"What, to find me?"

"Ha, maybe." Dina scoffed. 

Ellie couldn't tell if Dina was being entirely serious, but decided not to push the matter further, “So. About JJ. How did he—”

“Recognize you?” Dina let out a light chuckle, “Ah well, we have you to thank for being narcissistic enough to draw self-portraits, hmm?”

“Huh.” A smile was just teasing at the corner of Ellie’s lips. Dina was still Dina. “But when I went back to the Farm two years ago, you left all my stuff there…?”

“I did. But I went back once, just for a portrait.” Dina had resumed the light rubbing on the back of Ellie’s hand. Ellie couldn’t quite explain it, but it was the most soothing thing she had felt in a long, long time. She let herself enjoy it. 

Dina’s voice came back, small and cracking slightly this time, “I tried to forget you, Ellie. Forget us, you know? I thought maybe I could just refocus my energy on JJ and move on.”

“And you found you couldn’t, because I was simply too hot, hmm?”

“Mm, yeah, totally.” Even without seeing Dina’s face, Ellie knew she was rolling her eyes. Ellie bit her lip. She had missed this, these little things, more than she had realized.

Then Dina’s voice choked up and Ellie rubbed her arm lightly in reassurance. “I chose not to forget you. I didn’t want to. Maybe I’d have to forget _us_ to make things work, but I didn’t want to forget _you_.” Dina sniffed and then broke out in a somewhat strained but genuine peal of laughter, “And then somewhere along the line, JJ found the portrait and asked who it was, and I let it slip that it was ‘Mommy’ and then he just became all obsessed. So I had to just say you were on a long journey and would eventually come back and then hope he would grow out of it. God, you should have seen him running around with the portrait and then trying to hug it to sleep,” she let out a content sigh, “Kids are just like that, huh? More innocent. More faith. More hope. Guess JJ was right this time ‘round, though. We got lucky.” 

Tightening her arm around Dina, Ellie buried her nose into Dina’s hair. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?” Dina gave Ellie’s hand a light squeeze and then pulled back. Ellie found herself reflected in Dina’s eyes. Tears twinkled in Dina’s eyes, but she wore the sweetest smile on her face. _God, she was so fucking beautiful._

Dina reached up, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Ellie’s ear. She was looking at Ellie too, her gaze flitting from Ellie’s eyes, her cheeks, the tip of her nose... her lips. Dina was leaning in. Ellie froze. She felt Dina’s lips brush lightly against hers. 

An inexplicable warmth filled her, and she could tell it was filling Dina, too. Ellie watched as Dina pulled back, breaking into a smile, and leaned back in again, this time letting their lips linger for a moment longer. She relaxed.

“Welcome home, Ellie… ”

“I’m home, Dina... I’m home.” 


End file.
